today

while the kids were splashing in the pool today, I brought my notebook and pencil outside and wrote. It's kinda my "thing" and, while I usually write the best when I'm mournful or contemplative, I'm not quite "happy" unless I have some sort of editorial outlet. Anyway, since my life is now all about being a mom, I wrote about it. Below is a snippet of what I jotted down in between breaking up fights, replacing goggles, and fishing dead bugs out of the pool. It started out as a poem but ended up being just random sentences flowing out of me...

Being a mom means being calm. The house is a mess and things often go wrong. But... you enjoy the smiles, the whines - not so much. Sometimes, you just let it all fall apart. It's learning to breath and focus through those days and hours that can almost kill you. Its loving the joy, innocence, creativity and brilliance that can only come from the untainted mind of a child. It's hoping that everyone in their life will love them so strong; deep down, knowing that they won't and preparing to be there when their anger and confusion make them want to do things that, 20 years from now, they'll regret. It's trying not to make them YOU. It's sharing your space, your precious space. It's holding them when all you want is to be alone - yet wanting them back the minute they do leave you alone. It is all this and so much more. Almost too much to think about sometimes. For now, I'll focus on today - crying at dance recitals, kissing boo-boos, timing time-outs, changing diapers and wiping noses. At the end of the day knowing someday... I really will miss it.